38th : KP.

KP.

i can't say i never wish for that position because i don't know my heart.
i did wish for other organisation... not this one i tell you...

did you know how bad i reacted to the news once in the past year that i was going to be in that uniform unit? did u know?

did u know u had put me in the position i really hate in the first semester? 

did u know that i was annoyed that people telling me 'KAGUM' and 'KAGUM' for that i was going for that programme?

did u know i thanked Allah for giving such sweet memories, good experience in the programme?

did u know how i was excited to return to the campus to share with you my sweet memories and good experience to give your mind a little freedom and shift your paradigm and boost your motivation being in this group?

did u know i was annoyed when u once again put me in the position full of responsibilities?

did u know i was in frustration when we're not going for a camping instead of pentauliahan course because i think you won't learn something?

did u know my optimism faded away when some of you doubted me? questioned me like (itwaslikehell) u actually wanted to embarrass me in front of crowd?

did u know i am afraid that the way i think about you is wrong, but my heart can't deny the offended feeling?

did u know when the optimism disappeared i just can't help myself to coax my heart to not be hateful towards something i'm trying to like?

did u ever know to be responsible on something u did hate, did like, had sweet memories, end up with hatred again is VERY HARD?

it's hard because, do u know that doing things without sincerity is useless and will not be counted in your book when you are on the Judgement Day?????????

i don't want my hardwork, my time spent and those exhausted feelings i had gone through be wasted and useless.

can you understand?
would you try to understand?

self, will you get the answer here?
someday. maybe.

i pray that this will end quickly.
i pray that this will end without regret.
i really want to leave that group in facebook later, at least. because i just can't run from the reality.
i realized this causing me to be sick at feelings, sick at physical and yet, i know it should be strengthen spiritually.


.... some get it bad
some get it worse
life can sometimes look like a curse
so i cry my heart out 
let it all go....
- Outlandish

.... bukan bibir ini berbicara
namun jiwa ini berbahasa
dalam lamunan ku yakinkan 
kaulah teman kebahagiaan
Tuhan temukan ku penawar...
-Nur One